There´s no such thing as a free lunch.

As these animals found out, if you get something free, you have to pay for it in some way. In their case it´s probably having bitten off more than they can chew and having one heck of a job sorting it out.

I learned the same thing the hard way today.This week I had a letter from a company offerring me a goldplated cross from Caravaca and a Nordic duvet. I would get these stupendous gifts simply by attending a talk at a local hotel on a subject of great interest about health. I thought an extra duvet could be quite useful but to get it I had to be accompanied by my other half. So he was duly roped in.

We set off at 9.45 this morning ( a Saturday) and when we arrived found a throng of other pensioners, the majority Spanish, waiting in the lobby. After 20 minutes, a rep from the company came, checked we had our letter of invitation and sent us up to the fifth floor, where about 80 of ended up. The rep introduced us to the lady who was to give the talk, a smart woman who I estimated to be in her mid 40s. She wore a white coat, like doctors have, and seemed very professional and confident.

The talk introduced a product based on using magnetic fields to get rid of the body´s accumulation of oxidisation and allowing it to regenerate new cells. Several people in the audience testified to the efficacy of the product, having bought at earlier meetings, and she herself revealed that she was in her early 50s, claiming to looking much fresher and feeling much healthier since she started using the machine in question.

Now, I don´t know one way or the other whether the product really does what was claimed
( though Rafe Nadal had testified in a sports paper she showed us to magnetic treatment having cured his shoulder problem). But when it came to the nitty gritty, I just don´t have 1500 spare euros to risk on trying it out to see. And I don´t think most of the people there did, either.

Anyway, the point I am making is, that although we were to be given our free gifts for merely attending the meeting, we really worked for them. The lady talked non-stop, sketched on a whiteboard and fielded questions from 10.30 until 12.50! By which time I, my husband and I think most of the audience, were totally exhausted, were desperate for a loo, had aching backs and rear ends, and just wanted to get out and make for a comfortable chair and a decent cup of coffee.

We had to hang on for another 25 minutes before we were let out and handed our "free" gifts.
OK, we didn´t pay for them, but my goodness! It was hard work getting them! The talk was, of course, in Spanish so I suppose it was good practice but more than 2 hours rapid-fire in Spanish is a touch wearing, to say the least.

I´ve been on free blanket trips here on the Costa Blanca where you sit through a talk on sheep´s wool products . But at least the talks are a reasonable length, you´re given coffee and a bun and then taken somewhere interesting to spend a few hours. I think the company today could learn a bit from the blanket people.

After being let out, we legged it to the nearest bar for wine and tapas ( coffee by that time just wouldn´t have done it!) and felt a great deal better afterwards.

As I am now well and truly aware, there really is no such thing as a free lunch.

Enjoying Yourself in Benidorm in Spite of a Stinking Cold.

The worst cold I´ve had for a couple of years neatly covered the exact period of my stay in Benidorm. It was the full Monty - sore throat, nose running like a tap, hacking cough, generally feeling like death barely warmed up. However, determined to do or die, off I went to the Benikaktus Hotel for a 4-day stay in the capital of glitz.

The view from the balcony on the 11th floor was stunning and I decided that I was going to enjoy myself, come what may. This was successfully achieved by freely imbibing a combination of paracetemal and hot lemon and brandy toddies. The happy, noddy-land result can be seen from my dozy expression at dinner on Christmas Eve. The following day´s Gala Lunch and Boxing Day´s visit to the Benidorm Palace were also experienced through a pleasant haze. Not that I would recommend a combination of booze and pills but when needs must......

The roast suckling pig was part of one of the buffets. I don´t remember which one, funnily enough. We had a weird mixture of weather in Benidorm. Violent winds on Christmas Eve, Well over 20 degrees on Christmas day morning and pouring rain in the afternoon. Boxing Day was grey and then sun again on the 27th. The show and dinner at the Benidorm palace were excellent, top class, and we were sent away with a complimentary bottle of wine . So a brilliant time was had, in spite of the odds against it. Still, New Year was OK , for me anyway. Unfortunately, my better half by that time had taken over my cold and you realise, of course, that it wasn´t just a cold. It was a MAN COLD, which is much worse, as every woman knows.

There follows a poem inspired by the visit to the Palace.
Happy New Year!!!

We met at the Benidorm Palace
He said he was from Stoke-on-Trent
At first I wondered without any malice
If he might be a teeny bit bent.

He´d togged himself up for the evening
DJ, red waistcoat, bowtie
And topped it with diamond man bling
An earring and pierced near one eye.

He said that he worked for the council
Something to do with the drains
And was in Spain for three weeks to study
How the sewers coped with heavy rains.

We talked over a bottle of cava
About families, jobs, credit crunch
Of holidays on Costa Brava
Then he asked me out next day for lunch.

He´s lovely, is Gary, the drainman
With his glitz and his bling and his hype
It´s just that, at times, in his white van
There´s a whiff that´s quite fishy and ripe.